


Heartbeats

by BabyKay47



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-11
Packaged: 2018-05-12 10:11:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5662489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BabyKay47/pseuds/BabyKay47
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Matt makes an unexpected discovery.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

He didn’t notice the changes at first. He thought he was pretty in tune with her body, but it was easier not to notice the little changes than he thought. Perhaps they were so subtle that he couldn’t detect them, and like a frog slowly being heated to boiling, he didn’t notice until it was already cooked, so to speak.

He couldn’t believe his ears at first. They had just settled into bed. She was reading a medical journal on her tablet and he had his head pressed against her chest so that he could listen to the steady drumming of her heartbeats. It soothed him and he often found it the easiest way to fall asleep. And there it was, fast and strong, a second heartbeat. At first the rapid pace of the heartbeat made him think a cat might have stolen into his apartment. But knowing Claire’s hatred for them and almost violent allergic reaction to them, he immediately dismissed the thought.

He pressed his ear more tightly against her even though he knew it wouldn’t make his hearing any clearer than it already was. “What’s the matter?” she asked, tightening one of her arms around him and wondering what had caused him to be extra affectionate this evening. She wouldn’t characterize him as being clingy, exactly, but when he got this way there was usually something on his mind. So she was surprised when he shushed her. She bristled slightly at his tone, but seeing the seriousness of his expression, she figured it must have been something important, so she went back to reading on her tablet, knowing that he would eventually tell her what it was.

Matt was completely absorbed in his internal investigation, and was rapidly coming to a conclusion that shocked him to his core. The heartbeat was unmistakable, and now that he knew what to look for, his senses all lead to the same conclusion. Claire’s own heartbeat had increased and her temperature was slightly higher than normal. Her scent had changed as well. If he could wager a guess, it had to do with the hormones surging throughout her body. Her hair seemed to feel fuller, and he remembered noticing earlier that evening when they had made love that her breasts seemed to be a bit larger and heavier to hold.

If he had been paying more attention he would have realized that he hadn’t noticed that she never got her period this month. It was a very distinctive smell—metallic and sharp, but also a bit ruddy like a damp, wet marsh. So he was surprised that he didn’t notice its absence. She never tried to be discreet about it either. She had asked him about it once, whether he could tell when she had her period, and had gotten her answer when he started blushing. And there really was no reason to hide the cotton pads or bloodied underwear soaking in the sink when they were as often as not being soaked with his own blood-stained clothing.

All of the evidence led him to believe one thing—Claire was pregnant. There was no denying it.

When Matt lifted his head and sat up to lean on the pillow next to her, Claire put her tablet down and stared at his face which was scrunched up with a concerned frown. “Now are you going to tell me what’s going on? You’re worrying me.”

He lifted his hands to her face and gave her a comforting caress. “It’s not bad, per se. Just a little unexpected, and unlikely considering…”

“Considering what?” Claire asked becoming slightly more alarmed despite his calmness.

“Well, you’re pregnant,” he stated simply.

Claire scoffed. “You’re joking.”

“I’m serious as a heart attack.”

“Motherfucker,” she cursed.

Matt winced and grabbed her arms to try to calm her. “It’ll be okay,” he tried to reassure her.

“Okay? What are we going to do? This wasn’t supposed to happen. I’m a nurse for Christ’s sake.”

“You really shouldn’t take the Lord’s name in vain.”

“Are you fucking kidding me right now? You want to get religious now after you’ve been having sex with your girlfriend out of wedlock? What is your priest going to say about that? Oh my god! What is _my_ mother going to say?!”

“I’m sorry, you’re right. In the scheme of things a little cursing is not a big deal. I’m sure you’d only have to do a couple of ‘Hail Marys.’” He grinned lopsidedly.

“Can you stop it with the jokes? This is serious.  Are you really, really sure I’m pregnant? And how do you know?”

He cocked his head to the side in the way he did when he was really concentrating on something, and then turned his head in her direction. “I can hear the baby’s heartbeats.” His smile widened then, for the first time in a long time feeling amazed at what his abilities allow him to do, rather than feeling burdened by them. He could hear _his baby’s heartbeats._ They were rapid and a little muffled, enveloped as he was in a balloon of water in his mother’s womb, but they were a beautiful, beautiful sound. He’d often heard the tiny fluttering of babies in their mothers’ bellies, but never had he heard his own child. And even though he was surprised and slightly terrified, he also felt quite happy.

“Shit.” Claire closed her eyes and swallowed hard trying to push down the lump that had suddenly formed in her throat.

Matt suddenly felt guilty for his happiness considering how much distress the prospect of motherhood seemed to be putting her in. His smile disappeared and he was pulling her into his arms murmuring soothingly. “It's gonna be okay,” he whispered.

“I don’t understand how this happened!” Claire exclaimed. “I have an IUD! These things have a 99% effective rate. There's a 1 in 1,000 chance of this happening.”

“I guess we're the lucky .001%?” Matt supplied lamely.

Claire groaned and fell back against the pillow and closed her eyes.

There was another possibility, Matt thought guiltily. Whatever had given him his superpowers could have given him supersperm as well. From what Claire had told him about her IUD was that it made the womb inhospitable for a fertilized egg to survive in. But what if his sperm were strong enough to overcome such an environment? Then that would probably have improved their chances of getting pregnant as it appeared that they had already beat the odds. And he had a certain amount of pride thinking he had supersperm. But he knew he was being silly. And there was no way of ever knowing. It did make him wonder about their child. Would he inherit his father’s strength, agility, and heightened senses? Would he be born blind?

“We need to get you to a hospital—”

“I need to get checked out—” They both said at the same time.

Claire smirked and even though she knew he couldn't see her, she knew he could hear her intake of breath. “So you're finally willing to go near a hospital then?”

“There aren't any Russians or Japanese after me. And if your health is at risk, there isn't anything I wouldn't do, including braving a hospital for you.”

“If only you would allow me the same courtesy. The next time you get stabbed I really would prefer if I could get X-rays. And a CT scan of that hard noggin wouldn't hurt either.”

Matt was chagrined. He knew how much it bothered her that he wouldn't let her do any more than patch him up with her limited first aid, and it was disconcerting to be on the opposite side worrying about her. She had agreed to no hospital after the Russians had kidnapped her, but this was different, this was their child and there was nothing else they could do but get her checked out. He had very little knowledge of gynecology and obstetrics and he imagined that even if Claire had specialized in it, it would still be rather difficult for her to examine herself. They had no other choice.

Claire was reaching for her phone and opened her calendar. “Can you meet me at the hospital tomorrow?”

“What time?” he asked.

“About 3. I'm sure I can get Dr. Logan to squeeze me in. She owes me a favor.”

Matt mentally reviewed his schedule. He was supposed to be going over a deposition with Foggy and Karen, but he felt this was a little bit more important. They could handle it on their own. “I'll be there.”

“Matt, are you happy about this? I really don’t think you should get your hopes up. I’m going to have to have my IUD removed and that could cause me to miscarry,” she explained gently but matter-of-factly.

“You could…miscarry?” he asked with a pained expression.

“There's a higher chance of miscarriage with these kinds of pregnancies. There's even a chance of an ectopic pregnancy.”

“Ectopic?”

“It means the egg attached outside of the womb, usually the Fallopian tube. In which case it's not a viable pregnancy.”

Matt closed his eyes and tried to concentrate on the clump of cells that was rapidly growing in her stomach. He could still hear the heartbeat echoing through her uterus, but as he was unfamiliar with the exact location of where it was, he was unsure where the baby might be. He hoped it was attached to her uterus, but he wasn't sure. “I can't tell,” he finally told her with a sigh. 

“Don't worry,” she responded reassuringly. “We'll find out tomorrow and go from there.”

His face was a heartbreaking mix of hope and worry, and she wished that she felt the same excitement. But the very idea of it made her feel nervous and unsure. They weren't ready for this. _She_ wasn't ready for this. Was she?

* * *

The next day found Claire on an examination table and Matt holding her hand as the doctor examined her. With a bit of goop on her stomach and a sensor on her belly they were able to hear the heartbeat. Or at least Claire was finally able to hear what Matt had been listening to almost incessantly since he first heard it the night before. When she had awakened that morning he had his ear pressed against her belly. And as they were eating breakfast he would pause and stare off into space and she just knew he was no longer listening to her, but their baby instead. But now that she could hear it herself she could understand why. There was something captivating about the steady “da-dump da-dump” even though she'd heard it many times before. This one was special because it was hers.

The doctor explained what was on the sonogram for both their benefits. “There is your uterus and there are your Fallopian tubes, and that's your baby right there in the uterus.”

Matt let out a relieved breath and Claire couldn't help but smile.

“It's a good thing you caught this early. I'd say you're about six or seven weeks along by the length of her. So that gives you time to make a decision. IUD pregnancies are automatically high risk. Leaving the IUD in can lead to an infection that can be fatal to both the mother and child. But taking it out can lead to a miscarriage. As it is now, there's about a 10% higher chance of miscarriage compared to a normal pregnancy if I take it out. But there's a 30% chance of infection leading to fetal and maternal mortality if we leave it in. If the fetus were bigger or the IUD was closer to the gestational sac we wouldn't even be able to risk removing the IUD, but since it's so early in the pregnancy it's worth the risk. I recommend removing it as soon as possible.”

“So what you're saying is there's a good chance I could lose the baby either way.”

“Try not to think about it like that. There is a bigger chance that you could have a problem free normal pregnancy, although I would want to check you a bit more frequently. And so early in the pregnancy, your chances of miscarriage are only slightly higher than normal. It would be like having a heavy period.”

“But if she leaves it in, it would be putting her life at risk,” Matt asserts.

“That's right. We would monitor you,” she says looking at Claire, “and that would keep the risk low, but I highly urge you to take it out.”

“If the baby is at risk either way, it seems like a no-brainer.”

Matt’s jaw is clenched tight and even though he knows that they're not doing anything wrong, the Catholic school boy in him can't help but feel like they're contemplating abortion and they're sinning against God.

Dr. Logan can see how tense he looks and asks, “Do you want to think it over? You've got time.”

Matt shakes his head. “No, she should do it. We don't need to think about it.”

Claire squeezes his hand and he lifts their entwined fingers to kiss them. “What he said,” Claire affirms.

* * *

Removing the little copper T had been quick and painless and afterward she had returned to work and he to Foggy and Karen as if everything was normal. But everything had changed.

She found herself carrying herself a little bit differently—her hand would fall to her stomach as if of its own volition, and she couldn't help but smile to herself because she had a secret she wanted to share. She wondered if people could just look at her and tell. Did her skin really seem to be glowing? Did her shirt fit just a bit tighter? If anyone saw her secret smile would they be able to guess?

When Matt came over for dinner that night there was no mystery as to why he was smiling. He seemed quite smug and proud, and Claire couldn't help ribbing him for it. But he was even more caring and attentive than usual, offering to rub her feet and making a smoothie full of folic acid and other healthy things a growing baby needs. He made enough so that she could take some with her to work the next day, and recommend that she eat lots of small meals during the day so that she didn't get morning sickness.

Claire loved that he was so enthusiastic about it, but had to stop him when he started talking marriage.

“Slow your roll there, buddy. We _just_ found out about the baby. Don't you think it's a little early for that?”

“Hmm…I thought I was laying it on a bit too thick.”

“Indeed you were.”

“But it's something we might as well do. We love each other and we're going to be parents. Isn't that what the whole institution of marriage is about?”

“I'm pretty sure the sacred institution is about property rights. But that doesn't mean I'm opposed to it.”

“That's good to know.”

“But I am going to need a proper marriage proposal. I'm talking down on your knees with a rock as big as your head.”

“Gotcha.” He picked up his phone and started dictating. “Note to self: must buy huge rock and get down on one knee next time I propose.”

“And maybe some violins. A nice serenade would be really romantic.”

“Add violins.”

“And some chocolate. Actually I could go for some chocolate now. Do you think my food cravings are actually starting now?”

“Well, according to my research, women can start experiencing food cravings as soon as—”

“That was a rhetorical question, Matt!” Claire interrupted. “Of course I'm craving chocolate,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“Along with food cravings, mood swings are a common symptom of pregnancy,” Matt continued without missing a beat.

Claire smacked him playfully. “I'll show you mood swings,” she threatened laughing. He laughed too, then kissed her on the forehead as he got up to get her some chocolate.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Skip down to the end notes for a trigger warning, or read as you like.

Everything seemed to be going fine. Then about a week later it all went to hell.

They were eating breakfast. She was telling him to go easy on the parkour that day because she didn't want him ripping the stitches she had made the evening before after a mugger had gotten in a pot shot thinking a blind man would make an easy target. The mugger had gotten off worse with a few broken bones, but not before cutting him pretty deeply. It reminded him that the battle was never over, even when he had good things going in his life, and it made him feel about 10 times more protective than he already was, and even more determined to do some good for the city.

He had promised her he would only jump from buildings where he would not have to roll, smiling as he did so, but then the smile suddenly disappeared.

“What's wrong?” Claire asked, alarmed at how pale his face had gone.

Matt visibly swallowed, as if there was something stuck in his throat. “It's the baby. I can't hear the heartbeat anymore.”

Claire felt her blood run cold. “What do you mean?”

“It just suddenly…stopped.”

“No, that can't be right. I don't feel any different.” She closed her eyes and tried to concentrate as she had seen Matt do many times before. She knew there was probably no point, but she tried anyway. She rested her hand on her stomach, but she felt the same flatness she'd always felt. She didn't feel any pain or cramping. And the only thing she could hear was the rush of her own blood in her ears as her heartbeat elevated in reaction to Matt’s news. When she opened her eyes again Matt’s face was contorted with barely restrained tears.

“No, this can't be happening.” She refused to believe that she had lost her baby, but she knew Matt wouldn't lie to her about it.

“I'm sorry. So sorry,” Matt's voice croaked. And suddenly she was incensed with him.

“You!” she yelled. “This is all your fault! I _told_ you not to get your hopes up. But you just had to get excited like a fucking puppy with a bone. And then you made _me_ get excited too! I didn't even want this baby. But you made me want it! You made me want it.” A sob escaped her of its own volition and she felt like a wounded animal. Then she broke down in tears. In an instant she found herself wrapped in his arms and she had buried her face into the crook of his arms. He continued to whisper “I'm sorry. I’m so sorry.”

She suddenly pushed him away and started wiping away her tears angrily. “I don’t have time for this. I need to get to work. And you have a bad guy to follow.”

But Matt was shaking his head. “I don’t think you—”

“I've got a job to do, and so do you. We were never going to let the—” she couldn't say it. “We just weren't going to change. I would be me, and you would be you, and there's no point in letting things change now.”

“ _I_ don’t want to leave you.”

“And I don’t want you to be here. Just go. You've told me. I can prepare. I'll wear a thick pad. It'll be fine.”

He blanched at her nonchalance, but he seemed to get that nothing he could say would change her mind.  So he gathered his things. But before he left he turned to her one last time. “Claire…”

She had turned away from him and was busying herself with cleaning up the kitchen. He knew that she heard him from the way she had flinched almost imperceptibly at the sound of his voice, but she was stalwartly ignoring him. So he gave up and left.

As soon as he was gone, she threw down the sponge she was holding and buried her face in her hands and wept. It was easier to cry without him there. She felt guilty for how she had treated him, but it would have hurt more to watch his face as he gallantly tried to be strong and be there for her, but ultimately failed.

She gave herself two minutes to feel her anger and sadness and then she compartmentalized them and put them away. She dried her eyes and walked to the bathroom to pull out a couple of her thick absorbent pads and her sanitary underwear. “It's just like a heavy period,” she whispered to herself.

* * *

She managed to make it most of the day without thinking about what was coming. She had turned off her phone so Matt couldn't call her to ask how she was doing. And there was a steady stream of patients who were in far worse condition than her, so she told herself she didn't deserve to feel sorry for herself.

That's why when the blood came she was surprised by the swiftness of the pain. It knocked the wind out of her and she kind of doubled over, but she breathed through it and managed to get to the toilet. The initial gush had soaked through her padding and she would have to change it immediately. But she just sat on the toilet for a few minutes letting the blood drip and wiping it away. When the bleeding seemed to slow, she decided that she didn't want to be there anymore. She told her boss that she wasn't feeling well, and she must have looked like hell because she didn't say anything, just sent her home and told her not to come back until she was feeling better.

She opted for a cab instead of the usual 20 minute walk and turned on her phone. There were no messages and she felt disappointed and even a little angry even though _she_ was the one that had driven him away.

When she made it inside her apartment she wondered if she should call him. She was worried about what kind of trouble he might have gotten himself into when he was so distracted, but she reminded herself he was a highly trained martial artist with superpowers, and the people he was after were in more danger than he was.

When she got to the bathroom she stripped off her scrubs and threw the soiled cotton pads into her sink to let them soak. Then she turned on the shower to warm it and stepped into the comforting spray. She just let the water run and watched how the rivulets mixed with the blood and circled down the drain. Then she sank to the floor and just cried.

She didn’t know how long she was sitting there, but the water had gone tepid and her fingers were prune-y. Except for the initial gush the pain had become manageable. But she suddenly felt a contraction, or what she imagined a contraction must feel like, and then she felt an expulsion. When she looked down there were thick clots of blood, nothing that could possibly look like her child, but her mind absurdly thought of the saying “don't throw the baby out with the bath water,” so she tried to pick one up one, but it was too slippery, and with the water beating down on it, the thick blob got smaller and smaller until it was gone, and she thought, “there goes my baby…”

Then she stood up and lathered herself up with her soap and loofah and rinsed off quickly. When she got out of the tub she dried off and immediately put on her special underwear with the plastic lining sewn in the gusset and a couple of thick pads. She threw on her most comfortable sweats and crawled into bed to rest, but sleep eluded her. She couldn’t help imagining what her child would have looked like; dark hair and dark eyes probably, but with Matt’s cheeky grin.

She also tried not to think about what Matt was doing. Letting out some frustrated anger most likely. She knew he could be in danger. And if he was as distracted as she was, he could be vulnerable, but she had learned a long time ago that if she was going to be with him she couldn’t think about all the things that could go wrong. She would drive herself crazy that way. And Matt had once told her that he was a big boy and could take care of himself, so she just had to trust that.

She eventually grew hungry, or bored, or upset; she often ate her feelings, and she was definitely in her feelings at the moment. So she got out of bed and turned on the oven to cook a frozen pizza. She was standing there staring at the oven as it preheated, when Matt let himself in and walked into the kitchen behind her.

When she turned around, he didn’t say anything, but she knew that he knew. He had a bruise on his cheekbone, and there was a small cut, but she didn’t think it would need stitches. She also didn’t notice any tears or rips in his armor, so she didn’t think there would be anything worse than a few bruises there either. Since he’d gotten it, his armor had done its job well, and for that she was grateful.

She motioned for him to take a seat at the kitchen table, and he hesitated for just a second before he sat down. She left to get her med kit, and when she returned, she pulled a chair up next to him so she could clean his wound.

“Did you get your man?” she asked as she began her ministrations.

He shook his head. “I couldn’t find him. But I got some other lowlifes instead.” She indicated for him to take his suit off so she could see the damage, and he obligingly raised his arms so she could pull the top part off of him. His skin had turned a bit yellowish and purple on his left rib, but didn’t seem so bad. She ran her hands over his ribs to test if they were broken or cracked, but they seemed to be just bruised. The wound that she had just stitched up the night before was bleeding a little, but none of the stitches had torn, so she just re-bandaged it.

She finished just as the oven went off again insistently, indicating that it was warm enough. When it had first gone off she had been in the middle of a stitch, but this time she got up and put the pizza in the oven, then began cleaning up the gauze and bandages.

“Claire,” Matt called her name hesitantly.

She didn’t stop what she was doing. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but I need to know. Are you all right?”

She paused, and and finally looked at him. “Physically or emotionally?”

“Both.”

“Physically I’m fine. I’m going to go in tomorrow to check to see if I’ve naturally expelled all the ‘conception products’ and if there aren’t any problems then I’ll probably stop bleeding in about a week. My hormones, though, they’ll probably be screwed up for a while though.”

“And emotionally?”

“I'm not ready to say it was for the best. We weren't ready. We weren't even married and we never had the talk about kids except to say that we didn't want any yet. Which was the reason I had that fucking IUD in the first place.”

“Maybe you don't have to. It's okay to admit that you wanted it—our baby,” his voice hitched a bit when he said the word, “and it's not for the best. It's a damn tragedy and it's okay to be sad about it.”

Claire shook her head ruefully. “But I also feel relieved. And I feel guilty that I'm relieved. I mean look at you. You've just been beating up a bunch of thugs. And you're alive now, but there's a good chance you won't be. Do you really want our baby to grow up without a father? Like you did?”

Matt blanched. “That's not fair.”

“Isn't it? That's the reason why we're not married, or planning to have kids.  And we both know that you weren't going to stop. And I'm okay with that. Really I am. So yeah, it was for the best. But I'm not ready to say it yet.”

Matt swallowed hard. “I thought you were okay with what we were…”

“I guess there's nothing like a miscarriage to make you reevaluate your feelings.”

“Do you regret our relationship? Do you want me to leave?”

“I don't _want_ any of this,” Claire yelled. When he flinched, she softened her voice. “But it is what it is. I’m mourning a baby I didn't even want, and I just wish it never happened. I wish you didn't have super hearing—that you had never heard those goddamned little _heartbeats_ , and you hadn't told me. Then I would have never known. And I wouldn't feel guilty as hell about everything. So that's what I want.”

“Tell me how you really feel,” Matt bit out, self-deprecatingly.

The distress in his voice struck a chord with her, and tears that she had been trying to hold back began to fall unbidden. This was exactly what she hadn’t wanted—her doubts and insecurities to make him begin to doubt and feel insecure about her.

But even if he was feeling insecure, he could not let her cry without holding her. He didn’t know if she would push him away again like she had that morning, but he encircled her in his arms, and pulled her into his body. He cupped the back of her head as she cried. They stayed like that until the oven went off indicating the pizza was ready. Then they broke apart, Matt gently wiping at the tears on her face. Claire took a shuddering breath to steady herself and then asked “Are you hungry?”

Matt nodded.  “Let me shower first. I'll be right back.” He kissed her gently on the forehead.

When he returned his hair was damp and he was wearing a similar pair of sweats. Claire had dug into the pizza and was eating mechanically. She normally would have enjoyed the treat, but it was like paper in her mouth. She soldiered on, knowing she should eat something. So she forced herself to bite and chew thoroughly, and then swallow past the lump in her throat. Matt dragged his chair next to hers so that he could squeeze her knee comfortingly. She thought she would feel smothered, but she liked having him near, feeling his body heat where their knees touched. And even as they ate in silence together, he would occasionally drop his hand to her leg, just to touch her.

After they had finished eating, Matt suggested they try meditating together, to help her body return to normal after the trauma it had experienced. Claire was a little hesitant because she thought Matt’s super healing powers couldn’t possibly be attributed only to meditation, and whatever it was, she couldn’t imitate it. But he pointed out that even if there were no benefits, it wouldn’t hurt, and it might actually help.

They sat cross-legged on the bed together, facing each other, and he asked her to close her eyes and concentrate on her breathing. He guided her thoughts, telling her to imagine what her lungs looked like as they expanded with air, and how the oxygen was absorbed by her blood. He asked her imagine what the blood looked like as it raced through her body, from her heart, to her head, to her fingers and down to her toes and then back up again to her uterus. He asked her to imagine that her uterus was like a mountain in the spring after its initial thawing. How at first thick layers of snow and ice might break off and form giant rushing rivers, but as the season continued the waters would slow, and the once barren and icy landscape would become covered with lush green plants again.

She had never imagined her body in that way, but she liked the idea. And when she opened her eyes again she felt steadier. Matt still had his eyes closed, but he opened them when he felt her stir. “Do you feel any better?”

Claire nodded. “Thank you. I guess there’s more to this meditation thing than I thought.”

Matt grinned lopsidedly. “Always the skeptic.”

“And cynical too.” Claire let out a jaw-cracking yawn and sighed. “But I think what I want now is just to lie down and sleep. I couldn’t before. Could you hold me until I fall asleep?”

“Of course,” Matt agreed. They climbed under the covers together, and Matt pulled her into his arms, spooning around her like a cocoon. Soon she was asleep.

* * *

Matt woke up when he felt her stirring. He could hear the pool of blood pouring out, and he knew that she could feel it. She sighed as she sat up and waited for the gushing to stop and then got up to go to the bathroom. When she came back into the bedroom she put on a different pair of sweat pants.

“Are you okay?” he asked her worriedly. “Aren’t you bleeding rather heavily?”

“I’m fine. It’s probably the heaviest I’ve been in a long time, but I’m not replacing my pad every hour so it’s within normal parameters for a miscarriage.” She climbed back into bed with him, and he wrapped his arms back around her.

“And will you promise me that if anything changes you’ll go to the hospital?”

“I promise. And I promise you there’s nothing to worry about.” She squeezed his hand reassuringly, and relaxed against him, but her breathing never evened out, and he could tell she wasn’t sleeping. He ran his hand up and down her arm soothingly, but she started to turn restlessly against him. Then her breath began to hitch tellingly, and then suddenly she was sobbing, but trying to muffle them in her pillowcase.

“Hey, hey,” he murmured, “you don’t have to hide your tears from me. It’s okay to cry.”

But Claire shook her head against his chest. 

“I’m sorry that I lost the baby,” she said tearfully.

He shushed her. “There’s no reason to apologize. It wasn’t your fault.”

“I know that. But I feel like a failure. What if my body knew I would be a terrible mother, and that’s why it rejected our baby?”

“You know that’s not possible. Our bodies don’t work that way. It just happened.”

“But what if I can never get pregnant again?”

“Do you want to?”

“Do you want me to?”

He sighed a bit, feeling like he was put on the spot even though he’d asked her first. But he was prepared to indulge her, if that’s what she needed.  He took a couple more moments to get his thoughts together. Then he started, “When we first started seeing each other I didn’t know what I wanted, and I didn’t really even think about a future together. My life is dangerous, and what I do is dangerous, so there didn’t seem to be a point to think about the future. That’s why I’ve spent so much of my life alone. But I knew I wanted to be with you for as long as you would have me. And now that we’re together, I never want to leave you. And it’s selfish of me because I know how much you sacrifice—worrying about me, taking care of me, and keeping my secrets. But it’s only fair that I do start thinking about the future, and so if I’m honest I do want those things. I want to marry you and start a family with you and grow old with you, but I’m not sure how that happens with what I do, or even if it’s possible. And I know that’s unfair to you because you can have those things, and I want you to have those things, even if they’re not with me. Because I love you and I want you to be happy.”

Matt held his breath as he waited for her to respond. “You make me happy,” she finally said. “You piss me off, you scare me sometimes, but you also amaze me. You are so kind, and thoughtful and smart, and there isn’t anyone else I’d rather be with.” She smiled and Matt felt his heart rejoice.

Matt sighed with relief.  He had known when they’d started their relationship that things would be hard. There was the ever-present danger of his lifestyle, enemies who wanted him dead, and enemies that would use her to get to him. But somehow, this was harder, knowing that he was part of the reason for her suffering, and not knowing if there was any way that he could ease her pain, or if he would only cause her more. There was also the difficulty of just being with someone, sharing his life with someone when he was so used to doing things on his own, hiding things and being secretive. He’d learned very quickly that that didn’t work with Claire, that if he was going to be with her he would have to share everything with her, be honest with her, be vulnerable with her. And she would have to learn the same with him. But now that she was in his life, he wouldn’t have it any other way. They would make this work. They would find a way. He was sure of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for miscarriage.


End file.
